Infidelity is one of the most painful breaches of trust in any romantic relationship. If you’ve cheated and the relationship ended as a result, the natural aftermath is a whirlwind of guilt, regret, confusion, and a burning question: Should I reach out to my ex—and if so, when?
This article is for those who are grappling with that question. It’s not just about time, but about readiness, emotional healing, respect, and the potential for growth—both personal and relational. We’ll explore everything from how long to wait, to how to know when you’re ready, to what to say if and when you do reach out.
So, How Long Should You Wait?
The truth is: There is no universal answer. However, based on relationship psychology and emotional healing processes, the general guideline is to wait at least 30 to 90 days before initiating contact. But let’s unpack what should happen during that time—and why it’s important.
1. Immediate No-Contact Period: 30 Days Minimum
This initial period after the breakup should be a strict no-contact zone. Not just for your ex’s benefit, but for yours too. This window is crucial for:
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Allowing emotions to settle: After cheating, your ex is likely to feel hurt, betrayed, angry, or even numb. Reaching out too soon can make things worse, reopening wounds before they’ve had any chance to begin healing.
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Avoiding impulsive behavior: When emotions are high, your communication is more likely to come from a place of desperation or guilt, not clarity. That’s dangerous—it often results in you saying something you’ll regret, or appearing manipulative.
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Giving yourself space for reflection: You need time to understand why you cheated, what was missing, and whether you truly want to reconnect—or just want to escape guilt.
Use this time to pause, not to pursue.
2. Self-Reflection: Understand Why You Cheated
Before contacting your ex, you must do the uncomfortable work of examining your own behavior.
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Was the cheating emotional or physical?
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Was it a one-time event or ongoing?
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Were you seeking something the relationship didn’t provide—or avoiding something within yourself?
Your ability to reflect honestly and deeply is critical. Without understanding the root cause, you’re not ready to have a meaningful conversation—let alone re-enter the relationship.
If you’re unsure, consider journaling or talking to a therapist. You must reach a point where you own your actions without excuses.
3. Consider Their Healing Process
Another important factor in deciding when to reach out is where your ex might be in their own healing journey. Even if 30 days have passed, they might not be ready to hear from you. Ask yourself:
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Have they blocked you on all platforms?
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Are they posting about moving on or new beginnings?
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Have mutual friends suggested they’re still hurting?
If there’s clear indication that they need more space, respect that. Reaching out when they’re not ready isn’t brave—it’s selfish.
Instead, you might extend the no-contact period to 60 or even 90 days, or longer if needed. A genuine reconnection can’t happen unless both people are emotionally stable.
4. Are You Seeking Forgiveness—or Reconnection?
Why do you want to contact your ex?
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To apologize?
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To try to rekindle the relationship?
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To clear your conscience?
Your motive matters. If you’re only reaching out to feel better about yourself, that’s not fair to them. Apologies should be given without expectation. Reconnection should only be attempted if there’s true remorse, mutual growth, and a real possibility of change.
Before you send that message or make that call, be clear: What do I hope will happen as a result of this contact? If the answer includes trying to manipulate or “win them back” without addressing the root issues, hit pause.
5. Rebuilding Trust Starts Long Before Contact
If you’re hoping for reconciliation, know this: Rebuilding trust isn’t a one-time gesture. It starts before you even reach out.
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Demonstrate change through actions: Maybe you’ve started therapy, made lifestyle changes, ended toxic habits, or improved communication skills. You should be able to show—not just tell—how you’ve grown.
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Mutual friends or social media: Your ex might see signs of your progress before you speak. If you’re portraying a changed self authentically, it can soften the ground for future contact.
This isn’t about crafting a performance—it’s about living in a way that reflects the growth you claim.
6. Making Contact: When You’re Ready
If at least 30–90 days have passed, and you’ve done the necessary inner work, the next step is figuring out how to contact them—gently and respectfully.
What to say:
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Start with a simple, non-intrusive message. Something like:
“Hi [Name], I hope you’re doing okay. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on everything, and I realize the hurt I caused. I’d never expect you to forgive me, but if you’re ever open to a conversation, I’d be grateful to talk.”
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Avoid overly emotional or romantic messages. Don’t say “I miss you” or “I need you” right away. That can feel manipulative.
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Accept silence. If they don’t reply, let it go. You had your chance, and their lack of response is also a response. Don’t double-text. Respect their boundary.
7. What If They Respond?
If your ex replies and is open to talking, take it slow.
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Don’t dive into apologies or try to explain everything at once.
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Listen more than you speak. Let them express their pain and anger without getting defensive.
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Avoid justifying or minimizing what happened. Even if you had reasons, now’s not the time to debate.
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Only bring up reconciliation if they express interest. It must be mutual.
If things go well, you may rebuild something new—but understand, even then, it’s a long road. Some couples do recover from infidelity, but it requires deep emotional labor, honesty, and therapy.
What If They Never Want to Hear From You Again?
This is the hard part: You might never get the chance to speak again.
And that has to be okay.
Sometimes, the most meaningful act of love—after betrayal—is to let the person go in peace. Your job isn’t to be forgiven. Your job is to become someone who won’t repeat the same mistakes, whether in this relationship or another.
Final Thoughts: Let Time Be a Teacher
So, how long should you wait before contacting your ex after cheating? The true answer is: wait as long as it takes for you to become a better version of yourself. Not for them, but for you.
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Wait until your apology isn’t about guilt relief.
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Wait until you understand why it happened.
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Wait until you’re ready to hear “no” without falling apart.
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Wait until you’re contacting them out of care—not control.
This isn’t just about getting them back. It’s about growth. And sometimes, real growth means you never press send on that message.
But if and when you do—do it with humility, empathy, and zero expectations.